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Making the Choice
Author: Adrienne
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(Added on Mar 30, 2010)
(This month 10034 readers) (Total 15992 readers) |
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Dominic is new to school and has a dark side nobody is aware of. He and Jasmine meet, and slowly she becomes aware, but its too late. She's his. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 5 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (6.5/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (10/10) |
Lowest
Rating:  (4/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Dryhill
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Mar 7, 2011 |
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Sorry i tend to agree with Michael. One way round sorting out who's pov we are on is just to use a paragraph header. i have even seen different colours used (blue for male pink/red for female) but that was a bit weird.
It struck me as odd that a person who is totally happy to chat to a teacher then give a presentation to an entire class, is so easily dominated. Yes i can stand up in front of a church full of people, and am submissive but it takes more time to win my submission. (5/10)
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| Reviewer:
Nemz
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 10, 2010 |
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I'm not going to be quite as cruel as Michael, but I agree with some of their points. There was a general lack of proper setting. The characters were rather weakly built. Try giving more back story, more details. Not only will it go a long way to making your story flow better, but it'll make it more interesting as well. Mostly, work on the format. The huge spacing is obnoxious.
Over all, the story was decent. I'm guessing the first chapter was merely build up and the latter chapters will have more sexual scenes as well, which will help considering the nature of the story. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
Gcup
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 5, 2010 |
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I look forward to reading more of this (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 2, 2010 |
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This little story had an interesting plot line that centered around an egotistical jerk (Dominic) and mentally deficient girl (Jasmine). The interactions between these two was so ludicrous that I found it hard to believe. First Jasmine was a wishy washy wuss who does whatever some young punk tells her too, and then she is fighting him enough over what to wear that he spanks her. Huh? Did she have a personality change right in the middle of the story? I realize that SOMETHING needed to happen to give Dominic the excuse to spank her, but why did she suddenly decide to start objecting when she waffled on a whole grocery list of other things? Next, the majority of the story was about Dominic's domination (cute irony in the name by the way. I like it) of Jasmine. There was very little sexual appeal to like seventy percent of the story and things only started getting interesting in the last two paragraphs. I didn't even get a chance to get sexual interested in what was going on. Now let's talk format. It was very difficult to follow along for two reasons: the weird spacing between lines, and the lack of identifiers on dialog. I'm not a fan of repeated "he said, she said" tags but even that's better than extended dialog scenes where you're wondering who is speaking. Another problem was the abrupt POV (point of view) changes. There was little warning given, nor time to adjust, between us getting what Jasmine was thinking in contrast to what was happening or what Dominic was thinking. I felt like I was on a bungee cord, bouncing down into the story, getting different glimpses of what people were thinking. It made for a confusing ride. Another major problem was the lack of description. Very little was described. Remember that writers are like movie directors. You have the actors, and a few props, but you didn't costume your actors. You didn't build a set. I felt like I was watching a children's play done on the front lawn. You have to be the costume director, the stage manager, the lighting guy, the sound effects person, as well as the director and screenplay writer. You've got to do it all.
Now what this story needs desperately is a sequel, or even better: PART II. Just add it on. Change the tense to past tense, describe EVERYTHING, and then tell the story of Jasmine and Dominic's first night spanking and screwing. And it needs to be as long as this Part I. Let me know when its ready. I'll read it. (4/10)
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| Reviewer:
Heracles
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Apr 2, 2010 |
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A brilliant story, believable and well told without frills. It stands alone as it is but any extension would be interesting - how far will Adrienne go? (10/10)
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