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Missing Maid - A Tawse Hal Mystery
Author: Lisa_l
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(Added on Oct 21, 2011)
(This month 51717 readers) (Total 65762 readers) |
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Lisa joins the staff at Tawse hall and entres a world of discipline and correction that goes beyond anything she had ever imagined. But all is not quite right in the world created by the sterm Louise Strict. |
| Ratings and Reviews: |
| Number
of Ratings: 3 |
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Weighed
Average (?):  (7/10) |
Average
Rating:  (7.5/10) |
Highest
Rating:  (8/10) |
| Lowest
Rating: (7/10) |
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| Reviewer:
Alix
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Dec 1, 2011 |
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7
I liked it, but as has already been noted,the names. (7/10)
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| Reviewer:
JimmyJump
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 30, 2011 |
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I have to agree with Michael about the "wink-wink, nudge-nudge" names of the places and characters: they make an otherwise very pleasing tale into a kind of farce.
The writing is solid, the storyline interesting in that there's enough intrigue there to keep the reader's attention peaked -and the plot develops at a nice pace...
An author and a story to keep an eye on...
JJ (8/10)
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| Reviewer:
Michael247
(Edit) |
Rating: |
Oct 27, 2011 |
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An appealing start...
*
I feel sort of bad that I'm the first reviewer of this rather short opening to what promises to be a rather nice tale. Too bad the first chapter is so bloody short.
*
In Missing Maid - A Tawse Hall Mystery, we are introduced to young Lisa (not to be confused with the author I think) who accepts a position at Tawse Hall. The author (whose name ALSO happens to be Lisa) does what I consider to be a rather nice job foreshadowing all sorts of interesting things that might be occurring at Tawse Hall, despite the rather mundane revelation in the last half of the chapter, that the mistress of the house is a strict disciplinarian fond of the cane. The sexual tension actually builds nicely through the last half of the tale and the introduction to the character Lisa is actually just long enough to give you some decent insight into her psyche, but not so long that you get bored.
*
I did find the names of the various characters rather ludicrous. A tawse is the thong of a whip. The town Lisa travels too is called "Slipperbottom" a play on words when young ladies were spanked with the bottom of a shoe or slipper. The Mistress of Tawse hall is "Louisa Strict". The butler's name is "Welt". The cook's name is "Scolding". Hell, even the "friend" of Strict's who gives poor Lisa (whose last name must be "Clueless") a ride is named Gemma Scully. One BDSM name pun might be construed as clever. Hammering us over the head with them is just plain... annoying. Does Butler Welt leave welts? Should we expect Ms. Scolding to frequently scold Lisa? And we already know that the owner of Tawse Mannor is strict... and in more ways than one. Of course, the author is locked in at this point, so I guess I should stop complaining. I just prefer a little more reality. This many puns makes me wonder if this story is intended to be a comedy.
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Grammatically, the story is well written. Dialog is offset, and for the most part the speaker is identified. I would recommend trying to add more compound sentences since the author tends to favor simple sentences. There's nothing wrong with simple sentences, but you can add a lot of depth with compound sentences. I'm not encouraging run-ons of course, but compound sentences, constructed with a transition or comma, frequently add depth and complexity to a story. For example, in paragraph two we have "The shelter was full of rubbish so she sat down on her case to wait. It was sunny but she shuddered. She suddenly became aware of how nervous she was about this new life." In these three sentences we could easily have written. "The shelter was full of rubbish and she sat down on her case to wait in the sun. Shivering, she suddenly became aware of how nervous she was about this new life." I'm not saying this is how it MUST be, but you can add a lot of tactile sensation to the reading experience if you use compound sentences. "See Dick run. See Dick fall," is no where near as fun as "See Dick run, and then fall on his ass." Compound sentences encourage additional detail.
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I do have a complaint about the TITLE of this piece. Why is it named "Missing Maid?" The maid clearly is not missing. Or are we talking about the previous maid? Or will Lisa, our main character, shortly be missing? When you tease the reader with a title like this, you might want to consider tossing a FEW bones to us to give us a hint about the primary plot device. Maybe have Scully mention "Oh, so you're the one replacing Jennifer Rapedandthroatcut!" (I'm just guessing about the previous maid's last name of course!) The synopsis goes even further, telling us that Lisa, the new maid, clearly finds something wrong, and it isn't JUST getting whacked frequently across the ass. (*** SPOILER*** I think the Butler, Mr. Welt, did it!)
*
Lastly, it's once again time to talk about serials. Serial stories are the bane of my existence. All the more so when we have a pretty darn good story like this one. My complaints above? PETTY. The truth is that the author has a really good story telling capability, describes things rather well, and definitely got my attention. I wanted more, especially since the little bit of sexual tension established at the kitchen table with Shona and the revelations of corporal punishment were EXACTLY the kind of wonderful beginning any story worth it's salt strives to create. I was hooked. I was ready to read more! But then, the fisherman just tossed the pole and line into the water and I wasn't drawn in. Not good. Now I've written serials, but you should really think about HOW they are presented. If your goal, especially seeing how this is supposed to be erotica, is to titillate, than ending each "part" with a cliffhanger in the sexual tension and then not providing the next chapter is either incredible sadism on the part of the author, or just plain mean. Now I have to go read someone else's story to... uh... find satisfaction.
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In summary we have a talented author who clearly uses her writing ability to create vivid scenes with an rising tension. If this sort of talent continues on, I'll read the whole bloody thing and enjoy it. Except... I'm going to wait for it to be done first.
*
Yours Faithfully, Michael Alexander
(www.michaelalexanderstories.com) (7/10)
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